Am not sure if I want to write this. Or rather write anything at all.
Well of course everything is fine and good!
I have completed my graduation from a reputed institute. Did it with a respectable academic record. Had my share of success and a little fame. And finally earned an enviable job.
So… that’s good enough reason for being happy.
It’s been over a month now since I left my alma mater. Said a couple of mushy goodbyes. And then off I went to one of the best holidays in the recent times.
Udaipur… the city of lakes. Wow! That’s the word. Splendid lakes, beautiful palaces and breathtaking architecture of Jain temples made the trip a memorable experience. Add to that the pleasure of the company of all the cousins, and it was something I wont forget easily.
I wont forget??!! You wouldn’t wanna trust me with that.
Haven’t I forgotten everything about the institute already? Everything I achieved (obviously for my inner self), everything I learned (about life), all the friends I had, all the closeness with some of them… everything that mattered to me like hell that time. It’s all gone. Or is it?
I don’t know. I don’t feel anything. I am not nostalgic. I am not missing anything or for that matter anyone... those whom I have cared for the most and those who have cared for me so much.
That makes me cold? May be.
But then why do I feel sad every time I go to bed at night?
I have NO recollection of past whatsoever. So why is that so many times I have that empty feeling inside me like something is missing?
I am tired. I am tired of so many mood swings, so much thinking and most importantly of so much confusion about the connection between my immediate past and present. What is that one thing that is making me feel incomplete?
It took me over a month to decide to write about it. Probably it will take an entire lifetime to understand.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Saturday, April 7, 2007
...!
It’s 2:15 at night.
I lay motionless in my bed, awake. Staring. The body seem to be as light as a feather except for the weight of my soul.
The soul has been there, trapped for what seems like an eternity, wanting to break all the shackles, wanting to be free.
My mind is blank as it was on the day I was conceived.
It’s like my very being is at war, conflicts within me are tearing me apart. A soul, which wants to break free; a mind that gave up all it had earned over years; the entire existence is at stake.
Yet now, I feel secure, free from all the barriers. In my eyes are dreams of an utopian world, the world I have always been a part of. The restlessness of my soul, the betrayal of my intellect is nothing but a way of my heart to avenge its grief because it is not the physical materialistic world that it seeks but a life full of dreams in a land full of austere beauty.
Peace! Why?
I will probably never understand The way I think. The way I feel. The way I understand. The way I am. I have no reason for this strange peace within me. But it can do a world of good to a person who is so unaware and so unsure of himself.
I lay motionless in my bed, awake. Staring. The body seem to be as light as a feather except for the weight of my soul.
The soul has been there, trapped for what seems like an eternity, wanting to break all the shackles, wanting to be free.
My mind is blank as it was on the day I was conceived.
It’s like my very being is at war, conflicts within me are tearing me apart. A soul, which wants to break free; a mind that gave up all it had earned over years; the entire existence is at stake.
Yet now, I feel secure, free from all the barriers. In my eyes are dreams of an utopian world, the world I have always been a part of. The restlessness of my soul, the betrayal of my intellect is nothing but a way of my heart to avenge its grief because it is not the physical materialistic world that it seeks but a life full of dreams in a land full of austere beauty.
Peace! Why?
I will probably never understand The way I think. The way I feel. The way I understand. The way I am. I have no reason for this strange peace within me. But it can do a world of good to a person who is so unaware and so unsure of himself.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Carpe Diem
Carpe Diem
“Seize the day”
Will I keep wondering for ever? The words that are waiting to come out… the words that have waited for so long! The vent for the tempest in me… it’s now or never.
Emotions- love, sorrow, romance, passion, pain- they have all dawned upon me in the last few days with such a ferocious intensity that my tiny being was left perplexed yet undaunted despite all the atrocities inflicted on the ever unsure self of mine.
It’s my audacious heart, who guides me through this mind boggling network of all human emotions. The sweetness of this feeling, or should I say bitterness or sourness for I am still confused as to what characteristic should I attribute to it; this feeling is so strong, so full of passion that even at the cost of all the pain in the world is worth all that.
The very embrace of such a feeling has made me so strong that all the ambivalence inside me which hitherto was the root for my loneliness has now lost its meaning.
So if it was all so good, so nice why am I still confused?
Well, may be because I am unsure of myself. I am not unsure of what resides in the deepest of me but what comes out of it. Our actions and their reactions are results of so many factors in the universe that there are hardly any times when we respond to an external environment in a way that truly reflects us. And this is the reason that I rarely let myself out of my mind to venture in the form of words that others might understand.
Yet again, it will remain buried inside me; I will continue to be an enigma for my soul can’t communicate alone; it needs another to reciprocate. It is thus the end.
But what if there is something ere the end… what about the possibility of reciprocation… what about Carpe Diem??
“Seize the day”
Will I keep wondering for ever? The words that are waiting to come out… the words that have waited for so long! The vent for the tempest in me… it’s now or never.
Emotions- love, sorrow, romance, passion, pain- they have all dawned upon me in the last few days with such a ferocious intensity that my tiny being was left perplexed yet undaunted despite all the atrocities inflicted on the ever unsure self of mine.
It’s my audacious heart, who guides me through this mind boggling network of all human emotions. The sweetness of this feeling, or should I say bitterness or sourness for I am still confused as to what characteristic should I attribute to it; this feeling is so strong, so full of passion that even at the cost of all the pain in the world is worth all that.
The very embrace of such a feeling has made me so strong that all the ambivalence inside me which hitherto was the root for my loneliness has now lost its meaning.
So if it was all so good, so nice why am I still confused?
Well, may be because I am unsure of myself. I am not unsure of what resides in the deepest of me but what comes out of it. Our actions and their reactions are results of so many factors in the universe that there are hardly any times when we respond to an external environment in a way that truly reflects us. And this is the reason that I rarely let myself out of my mind to venture in the form of words that others might understand.
Yet again, it will remain buried inside me; I will continue to be an enigma for my soul can’t communicate alone; it needs another to reciprocate. It is thus the end.
But what if there is something ere the end… what about the possibility of reciprocation… what about Carpe Diem??
...confused
They say i am freak, but its just that i dare to take a sneek peek into your hearts. I am in and out of you, around you or may be i am looking at this page right now being YOU !! . . . .
Confused...? Well thats what I am. I am confused becacuse of the ambivalance of feelings inside me which dont let me break free of the shackles of this intricate and mind boggling network of human emotions.
Confused...? Well thats what I am. I am confused becacuse of the ambivalance of feelings inside me which dont let me break free of the shackles of this intricate and mind boggling network of human emotions.
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